Understanding why the Bible speaks about submission. (It is not just for wives.)

“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear” (1 Peter 3:1-6)

Imagine a pastor standing behind a pulpit that has been armored so that it is like a fortress. He speaks to the congregation through something like a gun turret. His sermon begins: “My text today is 1 Peter 3:1, ‘Wives submit to your husbands.’”[1]

That’s how many pastors feel when they come to this text. This passage has caused non-Christians – and even other Christians – to accuse us of being misogynistic and sexist. They call us patriarchal, primitive, and obsolete.

And are they right? Doesn’t this passage imply that women are inferior? And isn’t that what Christians believe? Fearing that it is, some people avoid this passage like the plague.

Others leverage it to force women to do what they want. In an extensive study of battered Christian women, Christianity Today found that two-thirds of them believed that obedience to God required them to endure their husbands’ violence. Fifty-five percent said that their husbands told them the violence would stop when they became more submissive, and one-third of those women believed they were to blame for their husband’s abuse.[2]

Maybe that’s why the Revised Common Lectionary in the Book of Common Prayer simply skips this passage. It’s been used to prop up a system of oppression and bias by sinful men who have weaponized it. It provides non-Christians with ammunition to disparage and ridicule the church.

To the people who revised the lectionary, I say: “Yes, there are men who exploit this teaching to justify their sins, but you’re ignoring it to avoid your fears. And neither you nor they are taking seriously what the apostle said.

To take this instruction seriously, we need to pay attention to the context of the submission Peter enjoins, its content, and its contrast to the husbands’ role in verse 7. I say “contrast” but that may be misleading. Peter takes, as it were, side by side pictures of the marriage relationship because together they bring out a depth and richness that neither can produce alone. We’ll go into that further in a few minutes.

First, we need to look at context, to which there are two aspects: social context and biblical context. Social context has to do with what the world was like when these instructions were given. How did these instructions fit into the lives of the people who first received them?

Then, there is biblical context. How do these instructions fit into the purpose of this letter? Are there similar statements made in other parts of the letter? Other parts of the Bible?

We’ll start with the social context. When this letter was written, societies were considerably different from what they are now and, even in Peter’s day, the situation could differ from region to region. In Israel, women had very few rights. They could not under normal circumstances inherit property. They were not permitted an education. They had little choice in the matter of who they would marry and no veto power if the choice displeased them. They could not initiate a divorce. The law considered them to be the property of their husband.

In the Roman world to which this letter was written – and especially in the area in Asia to which it was sent – things were different. Women could own their own businesses and property. They had more say in their marriages. In some regions they could vote and hold public office. In that sense, they were more like western women today. They enjoyed greater freedom.

But freedom, in the absence of love, leads to conflict, and religion can become one more area of conflict. Unlike most of the ancient world, where a woman’s religion was chosen for her by her father (and, later, her husband), the women who read Peter’s letter had a choice. They chose to abandoned their husband’s faith and had come over to Israel’s God and his messiah Jesus.

Many husbands didn’t care what God their wives worshiped as long as it didn’t complicate their lives. But if her religion was a threat to his guild membership or damaged his social standing, that was another thing altogether.

That was the social context. What about the biblical context? Look at that first verse: “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands…” The words, “in the same way” put us on notice that we must take the context into account. In the same way as what? As whom?

In the immediate context, “in the same way” clearly means, “in the same way that Jesus submitted,” as described by Peter in the previous paragraph. Jesus submitted for a greater purpose. So should these wives. Jesus submitted silently, without complaining or condemning. So should wives. Jesus was able to submit because he entrusted himself to God, knowing that he will right all wrongs. That is also how a wife will be able to submit.

If we go beyond the immediate context, will we find that submission is required of anyone besides wives? We will. In 2:13, Peter tells both men and women to submit to every human authority – that is, to government leaders – for the Lord’s sake. (And just to be clear, it is impossible to submit to anyone for the Lord’s sake when doing so means disobeying the Lord himself.)

But that is not all. In verse 18, slaves (who comprised the greatest part of the empire’s workforce) are instructed to submit to their masters. Further, in chapter 5, younger men are to submit to the church’s elders. The biblical context makes it clear that wives are not the only ones instructed to submit. This submission cannot be about male superiority since three of the four times Peter instructs people to submit, men are the ones submitting.

But if submission isn’t about male superiority, what is it about? Peter makes that easy for us: each time he directs people to submit, he gives a reason for it. It is for the Lord’s sake (2:13); it is because one is conscious of God (2:19); it is to win unbelievers over to God’s side (3:1). You see, submission is part of a larger strategy to fulfill the mission we read about in 2:9-12: to declare God’s praises and bring the unpersuaded over to his side.

Christians are to live such good lives that non-Christians see and end up glorifying God. They lead beautiful, exceptional lives – lives that are obviously different from the lives their non-Christian family, friends, and bosses lead. Submission is a primary (but not a solitary) way that Christians are different.

The purpose behind submission is most clearly stated in the case of wives. Look at 3:1 and notice the purpose statement: “…so that, if any of them do not believe [or are unpersuaded by] the word, they may be won over …” Won over to what – being nicer guys, more considerate husbands? That would be a good thing, but it’s not what Peter had in mind. He is talking about winning them over to Christ. Peter is still working from chapter 2, verses 9-12; this whole section flows from there. In that passage, Peter outlined the mission: declare God’s praises while living lives that persuade the unpersuaded to come over to God’s side before the day he visits us. Submission is for the mission.

That is the context of submission, but what is its content – what does submission entail? How do we do it? First, we submit without being preachy. I doubt that preachiness has ever won anyone to Christ – preaching, yes; but not preachiness. So, Peter says, “they may be won over without words.”

How can you win someone without words? You do it by the way you live – or as the NIV has it, “by the behavior of their wives.” The word translated “behavior” is a favorite of Peter’s. Of its thirteen New Testament uses, eight are Peter’s. He knows that changed lives are powerful. Your claims can be debated; your example cannot.

Peter does not want wives talking their husbands to death. He wants them leading them to life by their example.

CNN once reported on a couple from Berlin. When they disagreed, the wife would get louder and louder and go on longer and longer. That’s when the man would use an old WWII air raid siren to stun his wife into submission.

“My wife never lets me get a word in edgeways,” he told police. “So I crank up the siren and let it rip for a few minutes. It works every time. Afterwards, it’s real quiet again.”

The police confiscated the 73-year-old man’s rooftop siren after neighbors complained. As for his wife of 32 years, she said: “My husband is a stubborn mule, so I have to get loud.”[3] How much better their lives would have been had they followed Peter’s instruction.

That word translated “behavior” was translated “way of life” back in chapter 1. There Peter was speaking of the aimless way of life that characterizes many non-Christians. But Christians’ lives are not aimless; they have a purpose, a mission, and because of it they do things other people can’t or won’t do.

Just what is it about a wife’s example – or, for that matter, any Christian’s – that will win people over? It is (v. 2) their purity and reverence. Another way of translating that phrase is “by the reverence-inspired holiness of your life.” In other words, a Christian wife lives in a way that makes her belief in God obvious; she organizes her life around him. Her husband realizes his wife submits to him because she submits to the Lord Jesus. He knows that she is more concerned about what Jesus thinks of her than what he thinks of her. The life she leads is inexplicable apart from God.

It’s not that she tells him all this. She lives it. And he sees it. The Greek of verse 2, which the NIV translates, “When they see the purity and reverence of your lives” is really, “when they oversee.” The wife is not putting on a show. She has been overseen arranging her life around God. That is not something the average non-Christian spouse sees; but they should.

There is something else the spouse oversees: His wife puts more time into inward beauty than into outward appearance (verse 3). That is not normal in society. It’s not normal, but it is Christian.

Peter says her beauty comes (verse 4) “from the inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” A woman once told me that she didn’t have that gentle and quiet spirit. It just wasn’t her personality. And, truthfully, she didn’t want that spirit because she was afraid of being pushed around. But she was mistaken in at least four ways.

First, she was letting her fears veto God’s word! She’ll never see that God can be trusted until she obeys him.

Second, she had completely forgotten the mission and was acting like it was all about her. Submission is for the mission.

Third, she assumed that the gentle and quiet spirit is a personality type. Any personality type can display a gentle and quiet spirit when it is shaped by trust in God.

Fourth, she thought that a gentle and quiet spirit makes a person a pushover. But she didn’t realize it was Jesus’s gentle and quiet spirit that Peter wants us to emulate—and the Lion of Judah is no pushover! In their relationship to their husbands (as in our relationships to bosses, government officials, and fellow church members), Christians are meant to be a picture of Jesus.

We have seen how submission is one element in a larger strategy to fulfill the mission of 2:9-12 and win people over to God’s side. But the picture is not complete. It lacks depth. So, Peter gives us a second picture of Christian marriage, this time angled a little differently, bringing the Christian husband into focus. Without this contrast, the picture of the wife’s submission looks flat.

Verse 7: Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Let me give you a literal translation of the first part of verse 7: “Husbands, in the same way live together according to knowledge.” The Christian husband is to know his wife: what she likes and dislikes; what she wants out of life and what she fears; her strengths (which he celebrates); her weaknesses (of which he is considerate).

There are many husbands who know more about the NFL than they know about their wives. They know who is likely to go first in the draft – and second, third, fourth and fifth. They know the average number of interceptions their quarterback throws per game. They know that their defensive line coach has taken a job as defensive coordinator for another team and can talk on and on about what that means for next season. But they don’t know their wives’ favorite color. They don’t know what they do that irritates their wives. They don’t live together according to knowledge.

In a Christian marriage, a husband knows his wife. His knowledge of her is not neutral and objective but passionate and personal. He treats her with respect. Ancient moralists routinely told wives to respect their husbands, but the Christian insistence that husbands respect their wives was shockingly countercultural. It stood out. God wants his people to stand out.

Husbands are to relate to their wives as fellow-heirs of the gift of life. I mentioned earlier that in the ancient world, many women (the great majority, I believe) did not inherit property (or anything else). But among Christians, women were respected. They were co-heirs with their husbands.

Think of how Christian marriages stood out in society. Husbands who loved and respected their wives. Wives who submitted to their husband without talking behind their backs, or complaining, or nagging. Theirs were marriages that other people envied.

We need both aspects of this picture: A husband who knows, loves, and respect his wife. A wife who is for her husband and chooses to submit to him. They may disagree (as any two people will), but they will not stop honoring each other.

In the other great passage on submission in marriage, Ephesians 5, we have the same kind of thing. First a picture of a wife who submits to her husband out of reverence for Christ, then a picture of a husband who, like Christ, loves his wife and is ready to sacrifice himself for her.

Do you know why the apostles give us two pictures of marriage, one that focuses on the woman and the other on the man? I think they are giving us a stereoscopic image of marriage in the Christian life.

Do you know how a stereoscopic picture differs from a regular picture? A stereoscopic picture combines two images of the same thing – in this case, Christian marriage – taken at slightly different angles, to reveal depth. In other words, they are 3-D pictures. Separate the images and each looks flat. Put them together in the right way, and they jump off the page.

If we separate the images of the husband and wife in a Christian marriage, what remains are difficult duties, rules to follow, and a life that looks flat and undesirable. But when we put them together as the biblical writers always do, we have a vibrant, attention-grabbing 3-D image.

And here is the amazing thing: when you look at that image – the Christian wife and husband in a marriage of love – what you see pictured is Christ, which is why Paul, in a long passage about Christian marriage, suddenly and unexpectedly says, “But I am talking about Christ…” Christ submitting. Christ honoring. Christ loving.

We thought marriage was just about making people happy, but it’s more than that. It is about making Christ known. When Christians marry, their marriages is taken up into the mission.

But don’t think this kind of marriage is for sissies.

---

[1] Robert L. Russell, “God’s Design for Marriage,” Preaching Today, Tape No. 166.

[2] Marlin Vis, “Battered into Submission,” Preaching Today, Tape No. 134.

[3] “Man Uses Air Raid Siren to Quiet Wife,” CNN.com (4-19-03)